Let me preface this post with some honesty: I am far from perfect. Whew!! I feel so much better getting that out of the way. You see, one of my greatest fears throughout much of my life has been appearing to be anything less than perfect. Much of my life has been spent in a constant state of striving to attain whatever standard of perfection I set for myself. This all seemed like a good thing at first. I mean, who wouldn’t want to do some self-improvement with new goals and standards. However, in attempting to meet these “standards” (if you can even call them that), I actually lost myself. I didn’t see it at the time, but now that I am living life after anorexia I can see how lost I truly was.
What is anorexia?
Before we get too far, it might be a good idea to cover what anorexia is. Many of us might be familiar with eating disorders, or at least have some idea in mind when someone mentions an eating disorder. But let’s take a look at the true definition of anorexia. The National Eating Disorder Association describes anorexia in the following way:
“Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by weight loss (or lack of appropriate weight gain in growing children); difficulties maintaining an appropriate body weight for height, age, and stature; and, in many individuals, distorted body image. People with anorexia generally restrict the number of calories and the types of food they eat. Some people with the disorder also exercise compulsively, purge via vomiting and laxatives, and/or binge eat.”
NEDA, 2018
In addition to this definition, I would add that anorexia not only leads to an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. It also leads to broken relationships, hurtful actions and words, a lack of hope, and a loss of joy. Anorexia can lead to both a figurative and literal loss of life.
Sometimes I think we like to sugar coat and hide the true severity of eating disorders and their impact of one’s life. Many times we like to think eating disorders are far from us, something removed from our lives. However, I have come to believe that eating disorders are uglier and much closer than we care to admit.
As for the cause of anorexia (or any eating disorder)?? There are many theories about what might cause one person to develop an eating disorder over another. However, the truth is that there likely isn’t one sole cause of eating disorders. There are common trends among those diagnosed with eating disorders. For example, many people diagnosed with eating disorders identify as perfectionists, people with ‘type-A’ personalities. Additionally, these individuals tend to have struggled with body image, self image and comparison. These traits are common among those diagnosed with eating disorders. Therefore, they may have a correlation to the cause of eating disorders.
Life with anorexia
Let’s make one thing clear: life with an eating disorder is not fun, cute, pretty, desirable, or healthy. At all. Life with anorexia was dark. It was a constant cycle of obsession, fear, anxiety, denial, isolation and lack. Never once did I feel satisfied or happy. Even when I “achieved” restricting foods, over-exercising, or feeling even a small momentary sense of control, I still felt like it was never enough. So no, life with anorexia was never glamorous and it was definitely never what it first promised to be.
At some point during high school, I started running with my best friend. Our running was a fun new activity to try, and we truly did have fun. However, somewhere along the way I decided to make healthier choices with food too. This is all great, except for the fact that what I considered healthy was some combination of my assumptions and random Pinterest boards. To imagine what this was like, it would be like taking nutrition or exercise advice from someone who basically has zero education on the subjects and simply bases their advice on what society presents on social media. So no, it wasn’t accurate or healthy.
This unhealthy plan of mine soon began to take over my thoughts and choices. Before long, it was an obsession that I couldn’t seem to get enough of. No matter how much I restricted or exercised, I never felt like it was truly enough. The more I tried, the more I felt the need to try harder. It didn’t take my mom long to notice the changes taking place in my mind and body. It was scary to hear her concerns and the ways in which she saw me fading away.
The scary thing about eating disorders is that they make you really good at lying. Lying to other people, yes. But also lying to yourself. No matter how many times I said I would change and let go of the eating disorder, I still clung to it. I was so afraid of letting go of something destructive that I settled for allowing it to destroy me and those around me.
Throughout this time (about 6 years in all), I struggled with comparison, lying, destructive words and actions, and a loss of life. My relationships with my family were very tense. I had continued my cycle of saying I was sorry, promising to change, and then never changing.
Believe me when I say that this time was dark and worthy of all the anger and frustration I caused my family. I have since realized the hurt that I caused and the way I destroyed relationships. But in the midst of the darkness of anorexia, I was blind to anyone other than myself. I thought I was really good at hiding the struggle in my mind, but the odds are I wasn’t. There are probably so many people who knew me at that time and knew the struggle I was putting myself through.
Since this time, I have come to a realization. No matter how many times my mom told me the same truths and prayed for me. No matter how many therapy and dietician appointments I went to. None of that mattered until I was ready to take responsibility and truly make the choice to find freedom. Sure, these were all very helpful and needed. They just didn’t really matter until I took them to heart and made the choice to change.
Life after Anorexia
The road to get to this place was not easy. It was filled with difficult conversations, times of truly looking at myself and my choices for what they were. I have had to face the consequences of my actions and the impact they have had on those I love. Since getting to this place of freedom, I have again found true hope and joy, restoration of relationships, and the return of life.
During the time I struggled with anorexia, I was convinced that I would forever struggle. I didn’t believe that true freedom was possible. I stand here today to tell you that I was wrong. It is possible to find freedom and life after anorexia. Sure, the lessons I learned will always stick with me and there are times when those disordered thoughts will pop up. But now I know how to fight them. I know how to speak truth to the lies in my head and in society. I know that freedom is a reality and I have worked hard to get here.
Life after anorexia looks like enjoying food again. It looks like choosing foods because they sound good, not just because they are “good” or “healthy”. Life after anorexia has shown me that there is freedom in simply enjoying dinner with family. I now enjoy going out to dinner with my husband, or eating ice cream at home because it sounds good. Life after anorexia looks like balance. It looks like exercising because it feels good, or choosing to rest without guilt or fear.
Most of all, life after anorexia looks like lessons learned, life once again being treasured, and honoring God with my choices. During the process of recovery, I finally realized that anorexia had become my idol. I bowed down to this idol and allowed it to become my focus in every area of life. Life without anorexia looks like placing God back at the center of my life and ridding my life of the idol of anorexia.
So proud of you! Love you so so much! ?
Thank you!!